Rewire your anxious overthinking brain with these 2 questions

Rewire your anxious overthinking brain with these 2 questions 

The inability to notice our true feelings leaves us at their mercy says Daniel Goldman, author of the book ‘emotional intelligence” Here is a question for you, do you always know what you need and you feel at any given moment? Or are you a little bit like me and most people that you could tell you exactly what your partner needs or your children but when it comes to you, you are not sure. Or don’t even have the time to think about it because of all the overthinking you do and because of the endless to do list that never seems to get to point zero? 

I was at a little get together yesterday and had a nice conversation with a woman called Kate. I had just met Kate and we talked about what she does and what she would like to do. I have many conversations like this, not only with my coaching clients because I am genuinely interested in people. Kate talked a lot about her husband and her 17 year old son and what this new year will bring. She knew all the needs her son had, all the great things about him and all the challenges he experiences at school. It was the same school my girls went to so we had a little bit of shared experience. When i asked her what her passion was and what she planned to now that they had sold their family business she looked at me and was speechless for a moment. I could literally see that she was searching somewhere in the mind and heart what she used to be passionate about. She thought long and hard and talked about that she studied environmentalism and that she might look into this again. As we talked on I could see some ideas forming in her mind and I observed how her energy had shifted. She had lit up. It was a beautiful thing to see. 

To be the best possible version of yourself and to stop stressing and overthinking one of the best things we can do for ourselves is to develop emotional literacy. Only then are we able to create an emotionally attuned, safe and healthy relationship with ourselves and ONLY when we have managed this with ourselves are we able to have great relationships with others. 

Emotional Literacy is the ability to read ones owns feelings and then manage them by self soothing or delaying our impulses. And a part of it is also to communicate and express these feelings not only to ourselves but to others. 

Did you know we have 9 families of feelings according to Lucia Capacchione. Most of know happy, sad and angry. 

But we also have afraid, playful, loving, confused, depressed and peaceful  just to name a few

Years ago I did a training called Non Violent Communication that was started by Marshall Rosenberg. It’s a great way to understand yourself and others better and to communicate your feelings and needs whilst making a request to satisfy your needs instead of a demand. And as you might know a demand just backs you into the corner and is never the best way to get your point across.

To rewire our anxious brain we need to be self aware essential. Sometimes it’s not so easy to figure out the underplaying true emotion. We might feel angry at feeling vulnerable. Because feeling angry seems easier to handle for our nervous system than feeling vulnerable. Can you relate?

When I lived in Spain and helped at a cancer hospice after someone passed often people would argue a lot. Emotions would run high, often we found that it was hard for them to express their true feelings of helplessness and sadness and instead repressed these and turned them into anger and frustration, which again seem to be easier to handle for some. 

My clients Father Fritz for example was one of these stoic people that had never learned to talk about their feelings. I had looked after his daughter Sabine until she passed away and have both coached them to open up to each other. He told me later that he was never allowed to show feelings and that in his German family this was seen as weakness. His daughter Sabine had only one wish that her Dad would tell her that he loved her, which he had never said to her all his life. It was a beautiful sacred time, these last weeks of Sabines life. She got her wish and her father was so grateful to me and told me that telling her this changed his life and his only regret was, that he wishes that he understood needs and feelings 60 years before he did. 

This week I want to show you how you name and track the somatic experience of your feeling without fighting, resisting or mind drama. Dr. Joan Rosenberg waited in “90 seconds to a Life YOU Love” that most difficult feelings only last about 90 seconds. But these painful 90 seconds often trigger behaviour in us that we could avoid if we just name the emotion and then sit with it. To just let if wash over ourselve until it subsides instead of buffering it with mind chatter, stress, a drink, a cookie or snapping at our loved ones. 

Because only when our emotions are allowed to just be and to take their proper place is healing possible because all of the energy is available to us. 

When we know ourselves we don’t need to defend ourselves anymore and we can even look at our shadows sides and just accept them for what they are. We don’t need to act on them or do anything about them.  We can just witness them with love instead. 

So here is what I would like you to do today rewire your anxious brain and to stop overthinking. 

Practice:

Let’s witness our emotions with Love

1. Become still and calm for a few minutes. Find a quiet place and observe your breathing. Breath all the way to the deepest part of your lungs and then empty your lungs completely with not force. Notice in your body where are you are holding any tension at all or where the energy is not in flow. With each breath allow yourself to breath deeper and let a wave of relaxation and awareness flood your body and mind.
2. Connect with the wise all knowing part of you

There is a part of you that is connected to all and everyone. We are all made out of the same energy particles and we are all connected. You are a like a hologram, part of all and everything. There is a part of you that always was and always has been and a part of you that is part of everything that always was and always has been. There is an innately wise part of you, your higher self that has all the answers. The little voice we so often ignore comes from that higher self. Keep breathing and connect to the wise part of you or the intent and possibility of it. 

3. From a place of deep listening and connection as yourself the question: 

Question 1:

“What are you feeling my love”? 

Listen for your feeling and then name it to yourself. For example: “I feel stressed”. Welcome the feeling, don’t try to change it, don’t judge it, don’t resist it, just name it and sit with it. 

Notice the sensation in your body as you sit with the feeling. 

YOu can state to yourself:

“Your chest feels tight and you are breathing shallow love”

Breathe and move on to each sensation as you witness the sensation fully. 

Repeat this several times until you have witnessed all your emotions completely. 

Listen to the deeper messages of your emotions.

Once you have explored the messages ask yourself

Question 2:

“What do you need Love”?

Witness what thoughts and feelings are coming up for you with empathy and compassion. 

Develop a  new need language, see the table beyond. 

Then say to yourself “I see you are needing (whatever the need is) Joy and Easy” 

Then, if there is something you can do right now to satisfy that need, give it to yourself instead of waiting for others to satisfy the need for you. 

Example:

Question 1

What do you feel love?

I feel overwhelmed

(Mirror the feeling back to yourself) “I hear you, you are feeling overwhelmed.”

Sit with the feeling until you are totally aware

Question 2

What do you need love?

I need to take a break, have a little nap and then figure out what to most important thing is that I can do right now. 

I hear that you need a break and then do the most important thing first and go from there. 

If you wonder how this rewires your brain, I can tell you that it does. This process creates an emotional literacy and intelligence for you that will change your life. But it requires consistency and patience on your part. Keep going and practice daily. 

The benefits are that you won’t have to reach for a cookie or a coffee or anything to buffer your feelings. YOu will give yourself what you need. I realise in some situation this will be difficult but you can always give yourself 10 deep breathes and then make a do-able plan to satisfy your true need when you have scheduled the time in to do so. 

Let me know how you go and get in touch. 

www.susannemcallister.com

Remember that if you are ready to work with, you can sign up for a free clarity call with me and get you clear on your next steps to stop other thinking and mind drama to take your business and life to the next level. 

https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/feelings-inventory

Feelings when your needs are satisfied

Feelings when your needs are not satisfied